what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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