god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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