Need sex. Gaining weight.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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