yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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