just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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