Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
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I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
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Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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