So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
