The brown eye won't let me do that either.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
