Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
