I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
