I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
