Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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