your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
she told me i tasted like america
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
