I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Your penis caused this!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
