Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
not ubering you a puppy
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
