Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
