Pants 0. Shit 1.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
