enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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