Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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