I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
