You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
