google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
