I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
