Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
