i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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