You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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