so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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