Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
