Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She needs sedatives and a leash
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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