I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
