I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
