your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
