My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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