First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
