In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think your dad took our porno
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
