new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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