Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
