my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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