I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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