I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
