This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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