Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
