if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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