This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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