i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
its liver damage thursday
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
