I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
