cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
