I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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