He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
