im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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