I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
