On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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