My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize