This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
