if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
