Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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