it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
