Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
